Give Them Grace: Dazzling Your Kids with the Love of Jesus

I am going to start this review out a little differently than most. I am going to admit that I was initially reluctant to read this book. I mean, I was both excited and suspicious of it all at once if you can imagine that. Things were being said like, "It is the best parenting book ever written!" and "This book is the parenting book that all others will be compared to!". In my mind I couldn't help but think, this is some pretty high praise! It seemed as though people were claiming that the pages of Give Them Grace held some new, overlooked, and incredible parenting truth that hadn't been tapped before.Old but NewThe truth is there is nothing new in the pages of Give Them Grace. In fact it simply reiterates a very, very old message: the gospel message. Surprisingly enough the gospel message is the new, overlooked, and incredible parenting truth that makes Give Them Grace such an important resource for parents (and ultimately for every other person who picks it up!).It is a sad fact that this book is desperately needed in the church today. It is a sad truth that this book was desperately needed in my life today. It is a glorious truth that the message within its pages is able to transform and elevate our parenting to heights only God can foresee.Parenting in GraceIn this book, Elyse Fitzpatrick and daughter Jessica Thompson often refer to two different types of parents. The first is the parent who is overwhelmed by the burden and weight of parenthood and the effect of every one of their failings on their children's souls. The other parent is the parent who is somewhat confident in their parenting and their "methods" believing that if they simply do X, Y, and Z God will keep his end of the bargain and bless them with God-fearing offspring. Both of these parents need the gospel for themselves and both of them need the gospel for their parenting because both of them are relying on their own ability, rather than the grace of God for their children's salvation.This is where I began to awaken to my need for this book. I hadn't realized before how much I was relying on my own strength to parent my children. Without knowing it I had been assuming or at least hoping that my efforts would not go unnoticed by my Savior and that he would reward me for all my hard work... as though my hard work were worth anything in heavenly currency! It is a funny paradox, but my adherence to the Biblical guidelines for parenting and my personal testimony to my children had become unholy bargaining chips with the Ruler of the Universe. This is a message that all of us need to hear, not just parents: our works are worthless, it is Christ who saves, Christ who transforms, Christ who accomplishes. God has a plan for each of my children, he will use me in that plan yes, but nothing I do or don't do will thwart his plan. This call to yield to the grace of God in our children's lives is reminiscent of Paul's exhortation to the Corinthians when they were tempted to put too much stock in their spiritual leaders:"So neither he who plants nor he who waters is anything, but only God who gives the growth. He who plants and he who waters are one, and each will receive his wages according to his labor. For we are God's fellow workers. You are God's field, God's building." (1 Corinthians 3:7-9 ESV)This is one of the key themes of the book, but as the title suggests raising our children in an atmosphere of gospel grace is the primary focus.An Atmosphere of GraceElyse and Jessica begin, continue, and end with one premise throughout their book: our children (and ultimately us as well) do not need more law, we need more grace. They put forth the observation that most of what we call Christian parenting these days is in fact parenting under the law rather than under grace. The temptation to be law givers instead of grace givers is at the core of our natural idolatrous hearts:"...every human heart is always and ever drawn to law. In the same way that iron filings follow a magnet, our hearts chase after rules-not because we ever really obey them but because we think they make life manageable. Rules elevate us to the position of lawgiver; they help us avoid the humiliation of prostrating ourselves before a bloody, despicable cross. We love to try to approve of ourselves and control others by generating more and more rules. `Our desire to please God, combined with human bent to prove our acceptance by comparison with and the control of others, makes us factories of human legislation.'" (Give Them Grace)As Christians it is our goal to put Christ and his gospel at the center of every aspect of our lives and yet the thing Elyse and Jessica seem to want us to get more than anything is that we have missed it in our parenting. How can this be?This is what I think it boils down to: We have been taught that good Christian parents teach their children how to be obedient (reflecting our obedience of God) and then when they disobey (just as we disobey God) we discipline them (just as we are disciplined by God) and then, on our best days, we share the gospel story with them reminding them that if they believe in Jesus he paid the price for their sins and they will never again have to suffer for them. In a gospel saturated home Elyse and Jessica propose that this is not enough. All of this is true, but there is one important piece of the puzzle that is missing, you named it-grace.The temptation for children in this daily cycle of comparing themselves to the law is to see themselves as either good or bad children. The bad children, those who are always sinning, always being disciplined, are tempted to think that the gospel isn't for them, that they aren't good enough for the gospel or for God. The good children, on the other hand, those who find it easier to obey, are tempted to see themselves as good, earning the favor of God, and unknowingly without a need for a Savior. Both children live in perilous states of mind because they are not able to apply the gospel to their little hearts. One needs to see that the gospel is indeed for sinners and the other needs to see that each of us are sinners and are hopeless without the grace of God.In a family where God's grace is a living, breathing, reality (not just a piece of head knowledge) a parent would indeed call their child to obedience, after all the law is meant to show us our sin, but they would do so fully aware of their children's inability to obey. When their children fail, and of course they will, we are to remind them that it is because of their sinful nature that they failed and that this is exactly why Jesus had to die on the cross- to pay for our sin and to liberate us from the power of sin. We should not be shocked when our children sin, but instead should identify with them and their need for a Savior in those moments. Our lips must be bursting forth with praise for the power we have to overcome sin through Jesus Christ. What Jessica and Elyse are encouraging us to do is to take the focus off of our children's ability to obey and put it on Christ's power to obey for them and to help them to see this glorious truth as well.So where does discipline fit into this picture? This is an area I wish they had fleshed out a little more, though they did commit an entire chapter to it. Physical discipline is affirmed as Biblical and indeed necessary, but a very important point is made in this book: Though God does use the rod to drive foolishness from the heart of a child, the gospel is the only means by which your child will be saved. Foolishness can be driven out of a Muslim child's heart by the rod just as easily as foolishness in a Christian child's heart can. What makes our discipline life giving and Christ exalting is the message of God's grace that motivates and surrounds it. It is the grace of God that will transform our children's hearts, not spanking them. If we spank our children into submission, we may end up with very well behaved children who believe themselves to be good and without the need of a Savior. Though physical discipline is a useful and God ordained tool to train our children, it is not the tool that God uses to transform our children. That work must be left to the Holy Spirit and the grace of God. You may be thinking, of course I understand this! But the importance of this point is not the knowledge, but the application. It can be easy to think that we are doing well in our parenting as our children get more and more obedient, as we assume they are becoming more and more godly, when in reality they may simply be becoming greater hypocrites."You are Such a Good Boy! ... or are you?"The implications of Gospel saturated parenting are so far reaching that it can be overwhelming to try to reorient yourself. Elyse and Jessica liken it to a scary amusement park ride where your greatest fear is your utter lack of control. Learning to distance ourselves and our children from a works based relationship with God is harder than you might think. One great example given in the book is the common expression "You are such a good boy!". Well is he really? Because the Bible says that no one is good, only God is good. In fact, even our good deeds are like filthy rags! Obviously we are not trying to tell our children that they are holy when we say such a thing, but the underlying message we are sending them is that they can be good by doing good things rather than trusting in the only Good One who did the good things for them! A more Biblical responce to your child's "good" behavior would be to say something along the lines of, "That was a very good thing you did Elliot, I am so thankful that God gave you the grace to do it!" This might seem like an unnessesary change, but it makes a world of difference in what you are teaching your child. In this second interaction your child is learning that what he did was indeed good, but that it was the power of God that allowed him to do it.This is the reason why I believe this book to be so important: because living a gospel driven life affects every aspect of our lives (including our speech). How important is it that we live our lives aware of our very real need for God's grace and the God who delights to shed it on us? How important is it that we teach our children how great their need is for God's grace and the abundance of grace available to them as well? There is no greater task that we can set ourselves to!This book is like a whirlwind of pure unadulterated gospel whipping up the sea of works-based parenting that has long saturated the Christian community. It is a glimpse into a way of parenting that is distinctly and honestly Christian. This is the atmosphere I want my children to grow up in. I want them to know that they are sinners, that I am a sinner, and that we have a great and mighty Savior who loved us so much that he lived a life of perfect obedience so that we too could obey, who died a horrific death so that we would never have to die, and who rose from the grave so that we too could rise with him for all of eternity!Thank you Elyse and Jessica for stirring up a renewed vision for what it means to be a Christian mommy!Jessalyn @[...]

This is the book I wish had been published twenty years ago.I've made plenty of mistakes as a mother, and I know I'll make plenty more. Yet each year the Lord seems to help me see more clearly my need for the grace of the Gospel in my life and in my parenting. I've discussed with friends, with my pastor, at church potlucks, "What does it look like to reflect the Gospel in our parenting relationships?"Increasingly these discussion of the Gospel and grace in parenting are taking place among moms in playgroups, in churches, on blogs.But very few books have been published that really address this question in a fundamental way; very few books to pass along to friends and to say, "Hey, this really encouraged me to look to the grace of the Gospel as a mom."Enter Elyse Fitzpatrick and her daughter Jessica. (What a perk, writing as a team! One with the wisdom of experience, one with the fresh "this is what it feels like in the trenches" perspective.)Key points that I really like about this book:* Give them Grace differentiates between moralism and the Gospel: "Mormons, Muslims, and moralistic atheists all share the belief that law can perfect us, but Christians don't. Christians know that the law can't save us; what we need is a Savior."* It warns against formula parenting: "Giving grace to our children is not another formula that guarantees their salvation or obedience. Grace-parenting is not another law for you to master to perfect your parenting or your children."* It encourages going back to the what Christ has done (and often quotes one of my favorite books,  The Jesus Storybook Bible: Every Story Whispers His Name ), "please stop for a moment and ask yourself what percentage of your time is spent in declaring the rules and what percentage in reciting the Story."* It keeps reaffirming the centrality of the Gospel in all of Scripture, in all of life, "Parenting methods that assume or ignore the gospel are not Christian. The gospel must hold the center in all we think, do, and say with our kids."* It reminds us that we, as parents, need the Gospel, too: "In our hearts we know that's true because the law hasn't made us good, either, has it?"* The questions for reflection at the end of each chapter really ARE good for reflection, not just "learn the answer, fill in the blanks".* Appendix Two: Common Problems and the Gospel. This is an excellent resource for helping parents re-frame their thinking and answer "What does it look like to reflect the Gospel in our parenting relationships?" Of course, considering the chart format, parents could slip into formulaic parenting... I think we all have that tendency. But it is more valuable as a resource than a harm, in my opinion.That said, thit isn't quite the book that I hoped it would be. There are two main concerns that I have.* I really wish this book had addressed children in the Covenant, and the theological implications of that. While I understand that this discussion would change the book and change the target audience, I had hoped this would have been at least discussed in part. Some of the sample conversations in the book between parent and child would have likely been a bit different had aspects of covenant theology been included.* "Give them Grace" seems to lose sight of the fullness of what Christ has done when discussing punishment. I am disturbed by this sample conversation, "I am sad that I have to cause you pain. I know that you are sad too. I pray that you will understand that disobedience always causes pain. In fact, our disobedience caused the pain that Jesus felt on the cross, even though he had always perfectly obeyed and didn't deserve to be punished." In effect, this sample conversation nullifies the punishment Christ bore on the cross for our sins and our children's sins. It is communicating to the child, "even though Jesus paid for your sins, it wasn't enough and you must be punished as well". This seems to undermine the overarching theme of the book. "I have to cause you pain. . ." even though Jesus already took the punishment for your sin? This isn't a "to spank or not to spank" question, please don't misunderstand me. Christians of good conscience and careful study of the Bible parent both with spanking and without spanking. The issue is a theological one of equating the punishment of a child with the punishment of Christ, and communicating to the child that they MUST be punished -- undermining how we communicate Christ's full punishment for us. . . even for their little childish sins.In spite of these two concerns, I do give this book 5-stars and recommend it to Christian parents.I remember some of the first parenting books I read, pulling them off the shelf when I was babysitting, reading them after the kids were in bed. Sadly, these Christian parenting books were devoid of the Gospel. It framed the parenting relationship for me in a way that led me to lose track of what was really important as a mother.Through the years that has changed. "This is why you need Jesus, this is why Mommy needs Jesus. . ." these are the conversations I've been having with my children. . . slowly, growing to this place of giving my children the Gospel of grace. . . imperfectly.If only this book had been on the shelf 20 years ago. . .

A lovely book! Recommend it

Really good book about parenting. The annexe 2 is more than good. It's tool that you can use anywhere with everyone if you adapted. I find it more than usefull.

Fantastic book. Parenting isn't about raising children who always behave beautifully, but depending on God's mercy and resting in His grace; raising children who know they are loved and forgiven by the King.

What all parents need to BE, not Do......because children will be what they see... The Life you LIFE you TEACH !Let him that has NO SIN cast the first stone......

I was excited about this book when I began but I found it a bit boring and never actually finished it. I love the idea of parenting from a grace perspective but I didn't find this book had many new ideas or even really inspired me much. I bought this book at the same time as Tim Kimmel's 'Grace Based Parenting' and found that book to be a much better take on the subject.