Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of inevitable Harm With Psychopaths, Sociopaths & Narcissists

Book Review - --I was asked what kind of women attract the narcissist (and psychopath) - I just finished reading Sandra L. Brown, M.A.'s Women Who Love Psychopaths. This is an AMAZINGLY encompassing work and I'd say that coming through a relationship of inevitable harm, I found it relief-exploding in the evaluation of women who suffer from such contact. I said repeatedly that I felt my goodness was turned against me...and she categorizes just what and why this occurs....and "codependency" isn't in the mix. Women connected to the strange sycophant actually began the relationship "while impaired" - past periods of extended care-giving, loss such as divorce...even boredom. This is a unique study of the "victims" of psychopaths and their assets such as relationship investment. So many of the traits have been misdiagnosed as attachment formats. This illustrates the predictable cycle of these relationships and why the bonding is so strong - how the woman, normally strong and vital, feels so fragile or mentally ill. Dissonance from the victim's perspective has a great deal to do with the psychopath's dichotomy of his childlike quality and adult mystique, not to mention communication skills and techniques.The entire book is compiled with data, explanation, reason, and connectivity. There is no fluff within the covers.The reasons we find ourselves captivated by these "alien essences" can bebrought to light and Sandra Brown does this with clarity and an empathic comprehension - especially within the awareness of women because it is embarrassing being caught in the lure of sexuality. We are intelligent...and capable...and yet,we succumbed to some fairy tale -explained are the release of hormones and the staging by the psychopath, even the differentiation in his use of language.We who have been taught that communication is the tool for problem solvingfind ourselves in the Twilight Zone. In so many fields and places in ourlives, we have no answers and even negatively critical judgments about "ourbehavior." We are being held to incompatible standards. There exist so many conflicts with belief systems, ideologies, and spiritual and religiousprinciples where compassion is revered. It seems that we victims have been"hoisted on our own petards."....Ms. Brown's book covers everything I questioned....and it is anaffirmation that "something wicked this way comes." I don't mean to sound somelodramatic that my review is discounted. The AHA-moments were almost atevery page, and most assuredly in every chapter. There is - if one enjoysscience fiction - a correlation with the short-lived TV show, "Threshold."Awareness takes time.I know many on blogs are "nutters" in their own right, mostly because they have not found the data to help themselves. So many therapists have simply not understood and the "pie-in-the-sky" New Thought folks have not come incontact with this form of "alien" presence. It's not that it is evil (maybe- ?), but the two philosophies for life - those in healthy (just the ups anddowns of routine dysfunctions, perhaps) states and those sufferingpsychopathy are simply incompatible. Your phrase, "relationships ofinevitable harm" will forever ring true to me.Here is the BIG QUESTION - and one ripe for a new book....because the numbers of psychopaths appear to be rising, how are we to live with these beings? Iunderstand the no contact rule and it is VITAL...but in the long run with thethought that these people cannot be treated, for humanity, what are we to do?Every chapter in her book has dog-eared corners in my home. I carry it with me to the restroom, I return it to the coffee table...and I USE it for reference.As always in this life, the lessons are much more about myself. AND Sandra'streatment of us victims is kind, observant, and chocked full of evaluationaldata. I am floored and delighted that there are explanations for supertraits rather than that we have "failed" to be bright enough, wise enough, or even aware enough. I gleaned that my traits might just be valuable.Somewhere the patriarchal (and yet, I have learned that men can be victims,also) guidelines have become overly and overtly zealous. I don't believe itis as simplistic as relationships with authority that comes into question,although, our deep seated thoughts on "happily ever after" probably filtersmany of our personal scope of evaluations.I am never quite as trusting as once I was...and because I have daughters and grandsons, I am alert to those in our realm and my own reactions to them. I'm not paranoid, but neither do I let a brief intuitive feeling flow past without a moment of appraisal.I wrote this (below) - and share it....so much is falling into place for me(and MANY others) because of THIS book, Women Who Love Psychopaths, inparticular. I have read Brown's other works, but this one is of monumentalimportance! There must be a more moving way to say this. It struck a chordof complete connection and affirmation within my very being and soul. Thereis REASON for the chaos into which I fell. And all with the best ofintentions. It is not concisely ONE AHA-moment, but everything in the book.The explanations cover daily life with a psychopath...the lure, thetreatment, the forever changing terrain and MOST importantly the way we whofall prey respond. For me, this book relates to my daily heartaches, fears,anguish, and quest for my ideal. Not just of the relationship, but of the"me" I knew before this fear-fest of an encounter. The absolute torture wasin the faltering grasp of my own humanity. AND to have AGREEMENT is CRUCIALfor survival...not just mouthed upsets and emotions, but to comprehend thewhy's. Interestingly, as I look over this review, I see the feelingsexpressed. Our society seems to be based on these very emotions and the need to join and establish rapport. Transferring our thoughts and feelings onto this "other" who is called a psychopath reminds me of Michael Crichton'sbook, Sphere. " What if the contact with an alien or artifact has no frame ofreference for us as human beings" is the gist of the novel. It appears tohave come to life today.With profound respect and gratitude for allowing me to feel that my "style"of emotional sharing is NOT the CAUSE of the psychopath's evil in pinpointingme. It is, albeit, something to be watched and monitored by me, myself.THANK YOU!*********Becky Reed ----A Fairy Tale: Armageddon came Stealthily...Once upon a time in a land called Earth, a species known as hominid developedand populated the great globe. Surviving travail and cultural crises, thesocieties rumbled forward - many individuals and groups striving for thebetterment of mankind. There did occur apparent deviations from globalempathy, but the other sectors of mankind continued to right their vectormomentum and crusade toward higher goals of mass survival and opportunity tothrive as both individuals and congregations. The criteria focused uponuplifted values and ethical perspectives for both mankind and the Earth.As the citizenry grew, New Thought in the molding of ideas acted as a placeboin calming and guiding the more highly educated and industrialized beings.With the study of this domain of knowledge, presences could choose thoughtpatterns and people with whom to associate. This path carried them away fromthe hubbub of troubles and daily engrossment in procuring the needs for basephysical continuation and those of remedially soothing influences onemotional drives.Preoccupied with attainment of beliefs and systems of convictions of truth,and with confidence in this habit of mind, the inhabitants with all theprivileges of free men became less aware of other activities in their realm.The great institutions of learning had categorized knowledge, functionality,reasoning, and had even established schools of remediation for aberrantintent of cogitation.Within this finely tuned paradigm developed a tumor-like deviation of beingwhose thought processes did not house the ability to experience empathy. Thevast scholarly institutions held that this was a psychological impulse ofwill, could be corrected, and went about the business of formulatingtreatments to reestablish balance for the individual, and thus, society as awhole.Insurgency began to arise within small numbers of natives who disagreed withthose within the great halls of understanding and their comprehension oftruth. Straying from the hallmarks of data and using primitive observation,these rebels began to formulate a new idea - one divergent from thepsychological treatment vectors. This new concept began to take shape asthose within society reported horrific anguish from contact with a differingstrain of hominid. In these encounters, individuals found themselvesmesmerized, deprived of their original self-hood, callously used, devaluedwhile following the best and highest forms of their belief systems, havingtheir values and purposes shaken, and then unceremoniously "left fordead." Rarely could aid befound to salve the damaged psyches of the victims, for the true believers ofthe old psychology formats simply were unable to fit the data into theirstable and well-acknowledged schools of belief.Could it be that this uncustomary encounter with a divergent strain ofcitizen could be more than a mutual tangency with an abnormally motivatedbeing? What if an influential drive was not the root, but an intrinsic styleof operation? How were the majority of presences to relate to this, and moreto the point, how were they to protect themselves from emotional harm? Theserelationships proved unavoidably destructive to the well-being of individualsand filtered to society.The insurgents pooled efforts, information, and unified contact to discoveran amazing similarity with experiential reports. The strange behaviors of agroup of beings whose common description could be a total absence of empathybegan to form the base of understanding an event-horizon for any who remainedin contact. The most honored notions of forgiveness could not hold stasis anda return to valued normality with this uncharted manner of conduct.To remain viably humane and uphold the values of their domain, the primarycitizens recognized that the exclusion of "the others" was not an optionand yet, there might be no rehabilitation possible for this new strain ofpresence. They would need to define a new application of learning which mightoffer tools to formally acknowledge actions coupled with intuitive feelingsof those coming in contact with the alien co-citizenry. In addition,techniques would be required to heal the damaged persons left in the wake ofsuch predators.The glorious past eras of golden virtues might have faded, but a fearlessapproach to handling the challenge of meshing two entirely foreign ideologiesfor joint survival on the globe called Earth would stand as a gateway. Thisascension would bring change to the tried and true beliefs of the departedgenerations and perhaps a tarnished overview of life as that given by theprophets and teachers of great creeds. Today would prove an opening to a roadof awareness. Knowledge, itself, is not power, but the ability to use thatinformation and to do so with righteous intent would mark an evolvinghumanity as it strives to incorporate the incompatible into a new world. We,the insurgents are not the same. And so, it begins.**********

....for giving us this important piece of work! I have been struggling for two years to put the pieces together regarding my "relationship" with what I now know is a psychopath. I did not participate in the survey, however, I am familiar with Dr. Hare's work which she often quotes throughout the book. He apparently has performed the most current scientific research involving psychopaths. Just because Ms. Brown chose to conduct her own research via the internet does not mean the findings are any less valuable. True, Dr. Hare went to prisons to conduct interviews with many a psychopath. Does that mean his research is skewed because not all psychopaths are in prison? So what if she cites her own book, IT'S HER SURVEY!! And, by the way, that just exemplifies the whole point....they are everywere and not all of them break the law.Another point I'd like to make is that unless you have fallen prey to one of these soul suckers it's quite possible you think it couldn't happen to YOU. Nothing could be further from the truth! Some of these reviewers seem to think there is such a bias toward career women...I beg to differ. It is less about career and more about the type of person who is seeking answers. Does a mother of four children (for example) have time in her day to research her husbands crazymaking behavior?? Most likely not. For one thing, she's too busy keeping things on an even keel! I'm thinking Ms. Brown had to reach her conclusions based on the results of her respondents. As one who has been victimized by the very type of personality disordered individual discussed in this book, trust me when I say it is not a situation you want publicized! As she so clearly states, these people are experts at flying under the radar and it can take years to extract yourself from their grip.There are plenty of books out there regarding various personality disorders and (thanks to HIM) I own most of them. I've paid a lot more for a few of them and didn't get near as much helpful info. Personally, I don't care how much self promotion Ms. Brown does. I got MORE than my $25 worth....a pittance when I think of all our money WASTED on flowers, trinkets, and gifts given "for show," all while living his double life and mistreating me in every way possible. All dealings with these people lead to worst case scenarios and Ms. Brown says it best by labeling it "INEVITABLE HARM."This book has given me the ability to see what I just endured for the last four years. And I mean really SEE. I will never truly understand because I am not wired the way a psychopath is. And before I get clobbered for labeling, keep in mind it's the only word we have for a person who fits this criterion. My quest for answers can come to a close now that I've read this book. I can begin the slow and steady climb back to finding who I was before I got turned inside out, upside down, and torn from family, friends, and life as I knew it.*Note to Ms. Brown* Could it be that "power-mongrels" was a Freudian slip? They ARE dogs of a different color.....

This is the best book ever on this subject and I have read most if them. I am years out but still carry a lot of guilt that I was niece enough to stay so long and tolerate so much abuse.I understand now the level of his insanity and abnormal brain meant he just was not capable of normal.I understand now why I was so overwhelmed by his evil and cons.It took me 3 years and 50k to escape through divorce but it was worth it to escape and breath again.I learnt his tactics through divorce and although he still has access to our son I am no contact.The biggest lesson from this book was just how he wore a mask if sanity but was mentally ill and dangerous and it wasn't just a marriage that failed. It was a crime to steal my money my soul my child.My mistake was thinking and treating him like he us normal. Normal relationship rules don't apply with these evil people. Get out quickly and quietly with your life and count yourself lucky.Highly recommended x

I cannot recommend this book highly enough. Her knowledge of how the very best qualities we possess that make us the kind, strong people that we are, are used against us by these predators - done in a clear way that I have not seen in any other source. I came out of this read more knowledgeable to keep those good qualities we cherish about ourselves intact but wiser and more powerful against future harm. Its all backed by great research and clinical analysis (Something not all well intentioned sources can offer. She's done her due diligence.) This book works for everyone - men too who may be targeted at home or work, gay or straight, and even if you haven't been targeted by a predator.... yet... its highly likely you will be - this problem is widespread and international. And if you have felt the hell of this situation... do not hesitate. Buy this book now.

After being in a toxic relationship i did not understand what was going on in my life i had lost everything even myself i was treated by therapists and health proffesionals as a victim of domestic abuse but it didnt fit there was so much i was faced with in this relationship this book came to me just at the right time my psycopath checks 38 out of 40 on the hare checklist i just wish i listened to my gut amazing read for those who are lost

This book is kind a mirror. I saw reflection of myself while reading.Author describes a woman I am in a way nobody has done before. So many details. Professional approach. Partly difficult to grasp as quickly as want to but owe to this great book I know myself better now and my healing progressed.And I am going to read it again. It is worthy that!

Such an important book. So many women should read it. Brilliant and will help in many ways