Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them

This is a hugely imprtant book for anyone who is estranged from a friend or family member. It is based on hundreds of in-depth interviews with those who are either presently estranged or have achieved reconciliation. It presents many very useful insights about estrangement and how it can be overcome--even after many years of non-contact. Many who have reconciled point to the sense of relief as well as the personal growth reconciliation can result in. My only suggestion is that those who consult a relationship expert such as a famiiy counselor or psychologist should be aware that such professionals will sometimes uncritically adopt YOUR version of the relationship problems rather than taking a truly independent approach. Find an expert who is not afraid to tactfully speak the truth as they (not you) see it.

This book is an eye opener. So few books have been written in such a scholarly manner. The author has studied estrangement for decades, surveying hundreds of people.First, it helps to know this happens to way more people than you'd think. Nobody wants to talk about estrangement due to shame. In my case, I've learned that there's nothing much I can do to change the situation. I've reached out several times to two siblings and have been ignored. Thus, it's no longer worth beating myself up about. I've put it into God's hands.But if your estrangement is fresh, this offers real stories of people who were able to restore their relationships with parents, siblings, uncles, aunts...The sad part is this runs in families, from generation to generation. It's certainly true in my family, as my mother disowned her father and brother after an argument over...you guessed it...money! She never reached out to them and they didn't contact her, either. I used to fret over it but realized I couldn't control the stubborn relatives, as much as I wanted them to reunite.I highly recommend this book to anyone coping with estrangement and not knowing where to turn. It's a great value.

As someone who reads everything about estrangement because I am affected by the issue, I was excited to crack open the book. Let me start by saying that Pilemer is a good writer. This book is organized, he uses simple language, and the work flows. Beyond that, there is some good, basic information. Nothing ground-shaking here, but straightforward. You want to reconcile, you’ll need to put aside differences, agree to disagree, etc. Things our grandparents, or the Bible, would tell us. One thing that disappointed me is how Pilemer’s book is not aimed at a particular estrangement group, yet he depicts individuals in ways that might please certain reader groups. This may have been decided based on statistics about who buys the most books (it isn’t people over 60). Parents are shown as gruff and unbending. Adult children are socially savvy and liberal. Some people will be triggered by these depictions, and because the book is not stated as being for a specific group, they might buy it. Another disappointment is the lack of complexity within presented issues in terms of family context. If you read everything you can about family rifts, like I do, then this is book is a decent addition to your library. Because the writing is good, it’s a quick read.

Addresses problems I thought about

I can't recommend this book enough. I received it yesterday and finished it today. I had a falling out with my son in April and it hurt me so much I decided to sever my relationship with him. Then I went through a period of grief that was ferocious, like nothing that I had ever felt before. I tried to find a counselor for grief, but this wasn't the answer. I was finally able to figure out that what was happening with me was estrangement. The problem was that I couldn't find anything to read that helped. This book was the answer. It identified the problem, discussed the fact that estrangement was fairly common and defined and explained it extremely thoroughly. The second half of the book was all about hope and how to reconcile. Even that was helpful beyond measure because it explained why our initial attempt at reconciliation was so difficult for me.The author uses tons of case studies that are relatable and further explain what people are feeling in estrangement.I can't recommend this book highly enough if you are having difficulty with a family rift.

I’ve read a lot of books about family reconciliation because I have been estranged from my father for the last 3 1/2 years due to his attempt at assaulting my husband in front of three grandchildren. The assault included his statement that he’s been wanting to “beat his ass” for the past 30 years. This is following a lifetime of physical, emotional, and borderline sexual abuse. The idea that reconciliation is possible in my situation is ludicrous. For abuse and trauma survivors this book is not helpful. The section on both parties bearing responsibility for the rift is the most egregious part. The fact that this author has no where in the book made this distinction is troubling.

If you’re struggling with family estrangement, this book covers the most comprehensive study ever done. The author provides a skillful synthesis of why and how estrangements happen, with case studies that explore the real feelings behind it. He also covers the people he calls The Reconcilers and the strategies they used to mend their relationships, although he doesn’t push this agenda.

Needed more editing. Examples were not rated as to relevance to the chapter. But the factual side of the families who live fractured lives were important to me and the mending examples as to begin the conversation were also an important feature of the book.

This books gives you hope, even when deep down you feel there’s really none.It is was warmly written, easy to read, read the book in a day.This book is not for estrangement that comes from abuse, it’s more for parents or adults who are estranged through breakdowns in family or strong differences or misunderstandings that led to a family member cutting all ties that then leads to devastation. It’s a taboo subject because people are embarrassed to admit they no longer have contact with there child or parents, so they live with this deep sadness and as the book explains chronic stress.Please read, I for one found it very helpful.Any book (and there are hardly any out there) that brings this silent tragedy out in the open should be applauded.

The book was ok for situations as he puts where there is, as he puts it a "rift" - i.e a sudden situation angry reactions, hardening etc. However, when there is serious underlying abuse underlying the estrangement a lot if the advice breaks down. Long term sexual abuse or physical abuse at the level of assault or torture is not a rift. For an example of how the advice break down - as he points out chronic stress has health consequences, but staying in an abusive situations, dealing with chronic abuse with high ACE scores also has health consequences. Also he does not deal with situation where a perpetrator of abuse may be in the "dark triad" of psychology - NPD, ASPD BPD. Again advice of taking each other sides breaks down in these situations. Also there may be data biases given the study comes from Cornell (an Ivy leagues school) if they didn' t make effort to reach into lower income communities where chronic abuse is more common.

I wish this had been written years ago - it is incredibly informative and helpful. I am a year in to a tentative reconciliation after 4 years of an estrangement that I instigated from my Mother. From all perspectives this is incredibly helpful. Despite having seen therapists, been in a support group for estranged family members, nothing previously has given me so many light bulb moments of understanding. I am very grateful for the insight and understanding that this book contains. There is internal peace to be had, even if you are from very tricky family circumstances. Even if there is no "mend" possible or wanted, this book is still worth reading to give one the tools of understanding and reflective practice on how we end up with broken relationships.

Gives a greater understanding to life's issues