Abandoned Parents: The Devil's Dilemma: The Causes and Consequences of Adult Children Abandoning Their Parents

some will find this book disturbing however, it does share the real of what happens to you when an adilt child abandons you. No matter what causes it there is never a valid reason for such treatment other that out nad out physical abuse. I am only half way through this book but it has set us free knowing that much of what has occurred is not our doing and there is absolutely nothing we can do about it because we are not God and can not change the interference of those opposed to us and creating the division that exists, sad but true. The following is from the book ad points that has empacted oour thinking to set us free. We must take back our lvies and govern the way we think, respond and live in order to remove the evils that have impacted us via abandonment. God does surround us and give us those who truly are meant t obe with us on our life's journey and often those who are blood relatives do not follow us through our entire lives, that is their lose not ours if we adapt to the changes and heal our hearts and thinking in the ways God has shown us.Abandonment is at its root shunning: the act of terminating critical social and personal relationships. Shunning is the intentional act of harming another by silent bullying.It's fundamental purpose and orientation is to relieve the adult of what he or she finds unacceptable or inconvenient in their lives. Abandonment is abusive, tortuous and if sustained over a period of time produces within the parent severe psychological and physical pain of such severity that the parent often develops serious mental and physical disorders and brain damage. It can and often does produce early death.There are various types of abandonment, fewer and fewer letters missed holidays all related to less and less point of reference in their perspective lives. Abandonment can be characterized by hurtful comments. physical or mental hatefulness. where the intent of the behavior of the adult child toward the parent is to be cruel, scapegoat to to banish. Fueled by the core belief that the parents are guilty of variety of short failings and that a future relationship of any kind would be harmful. Becomes impenetrable!Parental abandonment is abuse and it follows the model of other kinds of physical and psychological abuse. Most importantly, it is a moral and ethical failing on the part of the adult child. There may be psychological diagnosis that can be made about the adult child who lives this hate filled life, and perhaps should be made, but first and above all it is a moral failure and in some cases even evil. Quite simply it is the wrong thing to do, a wrong action to take and places the adult child into a precarious environment that speaks to who they are, what they value, and the nature of their character. There is no crueler action to take against another human being than ostracism, abandonment and alienation and especially when that other human being is your parent. What makes an adult child take such cold, calculation out of the morn action against the people who gave them life, support and nurturing, the people who fed them, educated them protected them and spent a good deal of resources to help them grow? This is the most common ending to the parent/child relationship.Todays children who are taking these actions are quite possibly the ones who find some way to avoid measuring their conduct by "rightness" or "wrongness".Although it is hard to imagine how an adult child manages to justify not seeing parents for years, ignoring all attempts and pleas from the parents to just see them one more time before they die. It is not un common for the adult children who abandon their parents to lie, fabricate stories, libel and slander their upbringing without so much as blink.The next general observation is that the relationship is inconvenient and no longer meaningful to the adult child regardless of the causes. Quite simply there is nothing in it for the adult child anymore. Communications dwindle and become too time-consuming and are limited to perfunctory and obligatory or crisis oriented speech. The basis and emotional connection dwindle and eventually disconnects! Generational relationships provide guidance, sponsorship. protection and wisdom. No more Father Knows Best.The lack of intimacy begins to suffer. the parents become an interruption in the adult child's life and commitment to others a burden without emotional connection.The abused parent is stuck in a situation of horror that relentlessly and systemically pounds down the psychic minute by minute until virtually nothing is left of the parent. It is an evil of humiliation, mockery, repeated and unrelenting trauma producing a state of being that is only descriptive of victims of torture.Scapegoating and outright lies are the weapons of these abusers seeking to justify their acts of abuse whether physical or emotional. These is no justification for abuse, No ones deserves it. No one deserves abuse regardless of what they did or did not do.Of all the heart wrenching painful soul stopping experiences that life has to offer us is losing a child is considered the worse one historically. It is unimaginable to most parents. It is said that you "never get over it". Thus the death-dealing dilemma of the abusive relationship with adult children is that the only avenues of relief is for the victim to fully embrace and elect one of the worst experiences in life that any parent can imagine-the loss of a child.Abandonment does not happen over night…begins with outside forces, minor criticisms, walking on egg shells, short exchanges on phone calls, failure to communicate, excuses (lies to you and themselves), unanswered phone calls or texts, accusations begin, they begin to act as though you do not exist. when they marry if you are included it is carefully calculated and they make you feel as though you are simply for show and nothing more. You become an easter, birthday and christmas member to their divisive ways. Often third party interference goes back a long way making one feel edgy at these events.Much of my review is directly from the book, the author nails it and goes on with advice on how to get past the trauma that has been dealt you. An excellent healing took for those of you who know this horrible trauma, heal thyself and you shall be set free. I pray for you and every parent who experiences these treatment by their adult children. My hearts goes out to you searching for the way to heal. It can be done.

It has been heart-wrenching to hear that there are so many parents out there in a similar situation to mine. Parents whose adult children have abandoned us with no explanation or justification. Trust me. I am not in denial. I AM (not was) a good parent and a good grandparent. This book holds nothing back. Encouraged me to believe in the truth, not just my truth, but the truth. That this "trend" changes lives forever and not only preys on those of us who sacrificed so much for and loved our children, but as the book says "It's a particular kind of hate when an adult child hates their parent(s) more than they love their children." So many grandchildren who suffer too. I found strength in these pages, forgiveness and some courage. There will always be a hole in my heart where they all once were, but I know I did the best I could. It's a MUST-READ for this victimized population. Thank you to the author for saying it like it is!

This is a very difficult subject, and tragic to the sufferers. This has happened in my family, to my mother and me. It has also happened to other mothers that I know. I spent time at the nursing home before my dad died and saw the tragedy of these abandoned people first hand. I could never abandon my parents no matter what -- and I was sorely tested with my dad. He had Narcissistic Personality Disorder and was violent as we were growing up. But I showed up to care for him when he needed me. (Of course, I had a lot of counseling over the years.) The author approaches the subject head on without flinching. Her research is very good. I also like that she is a pastor and talks of the spiritual side. I recommend the book for parents looking for help and for other family members or friends that want to understand and be supportive.

It's a silent, secret epidemic. We keep our mouths shut. We don't tell anyone. Because when we DO tell someone, the first assumption is, "Geez, what did you do to that kid that was so bad that they carved you out of their life?"There's a presumption that the parent MUST have done something awful to merit shunning by an adult child.So we don't tell another soul. Our closest friends have no idea. Sometimes, we make up stories about the grandchildren we never see. Or, we tell people there that we have *no* grandchildren, because that's the easier path, and in some cases, much closer to the wretched truth.Our numbers are legion. This is a nationwide epidemic of narcissitic young people who feel free to abandon and shun their parents. I have posted a few comments at other places, and had to delete them later, because the comments got "picked up" by a couple young people who decided this was a good place to explain why parents SHOULD be dumped.That's NOT what this issue is about. It's about parents who did their very best, and even an above-average job and yet when the children hit their adulthood (typically in late 20s), those parents were shunned by these ungrateful, self-serving, narcissistic, self-absorbed adult children.I read way too much, and I've read a half dozen books on this topic. Most, I would rate "Marginal to Poor." And most of these books address a broad range of topics, such as rebellious teens, drug addiction, mental illness, etc. This book ("Abandoned Parents") goes to the heart of the issue and is devoted to the problem of adult children who abandon their parents. And, unlike some of the other books I've read, it bluntly explains that abandonment is ABUSE.The author writes, "Parental abandonment is abuse, and it follows the model of other kinds of of psychological abuse. Most importantly, it is a moral and ethical failing on the part of the adult child."That single sentence helped lift a lead weight of despair and self-condemnation off my heart. It took away so much of my pain.Those OTHER books mentioned above have some variation on this theme: "Well, there's some guilt on both sides of any failed relationship."Yes, except in relationships where there's abuse. As Ms. Wildey says, "Parental abandonment is abuse..."I know too many parents who have walked around on their knees, begging and pleading with the adult child for forgiveness. (Good "Christian children, mind you, who were raised in the church). I personally know of many cases where these loving parents have written emails and letters, begging the child to forgive them for whatever mysterious offense they committed, offering to do whatever on this earth needs to be done to restore the relationship. These parents grovel, beg, cajole and plead, freely offering apologies and seeking forgiveness for phantom mistakes.And in time, months, years or decades, you reach the point where you either need to back away or go insane.As Ms. Wildey writes, "There is no crueler action to take against another human being than ostracism, abandonment and alienation and especially when that other human being is your parent."That's the heart and soul of it.There IS no crueler action you can take against your own mother than abandonment. And the pain increases exponentially when there are grandchildren involved.This book is phenomenal and I highly recommend it. It brought me much peace, and this is after years of suffering the most unimaginable pain and sadness.The author also writes about the difference between estrangement and abandonment. She says, "Abandonment is characterized by hurtful comments, physical or mental hatefulness, where the intent of the adult child is to be cruel, to scapegoat, or to banish. It is usually fueled by a core belief that the parents are guilty of a variety of shortcomings and that a future relationship of any kind would be harmful to the adult child. This core belief is held in absolute firmness almost approaching religious fervor in its impenetrability."And another sentence that brought me much peace:"Although it is hard to imagine how an adult child manages to justify not seeing her parents for years, ignoring all attempts and pleas from the parents to just see them one more time before they die, it is NOT uncommon for the adult children who abandon their parents to lie, fabricate abuse stories, libel and slander their upbringing without so much as a blink."This is a simple book and a quick read, but it is a gem.If you have a child that has abandoned you, do yourself a great kindness and buy this book. It is a healing balm for our broken hearts.

I read a large number of reviews before purchase. Some negative, mostly positive, they accurately describe this amazing book.The author brought to light excellent observations on the judgements from counsellors and psychologists, 100% spot on. Abuser and abused a fine line between perceptions.Some days we dare to hope, when we know hope can be the enemy. This is not a self help book although there is practical guidance in finding a new way of thinking and perceiving a different future. It’s a reminder to know we can still dream and remember who we once were, there is hope in finding our inner selves again.If you have been feeling so sad, so full of grief, I’m sure this read will help you feel stronger. I loved this book.

Could relate to everything in this book . Recommended to anyone dealing with enstrangemant from adult children. Fantastic book .

I’m only quarter way through. Must say so far an excellent read. My goodness the author doesn’t mince her words. Also she makes you feel real good about yourself.You are not to blame for the situation especially when your child is a self centred, narcissistic bully and compulsive liar. Leading two lives.Also a good read for elderly lonely people who have just been dumped in a care home. The author covers every situation.What impressed me first was when she wrote something like. If you are the grown up sons and daughter put the book down it’s not for you to read. Not your business.I shall carry on when I have time. I could of read it from start to finish.I’ll update when finished. Thank you so very much

This book says it as it is and should.be said-estrangement should NEVER be an option for any son or daughter to inflict on their parents, and society should condemn it and teach it has no place in our lives.

Change your Life and read this bookIt was as if Sharon climbed into my head, into my heart and into my soul and wrote down what she saw .... reading her book has changed my life - nothing can ever ever take away the raw pain - but I now understand - I now know .... it’s not me ... it’s nothing I did wrong or didn’t do right .... I now understand .... it’s the Devil’s Dilemma - nothing more and nothing less ......read it ! Well done Sharon A Wildey