The Bride Price

A truly touching memior about mother daughter relationships and its complexity in what a Hmong dowry means. I value the shared story of fighting for what you believe in and pioneering changes for future Hmong daughters.

Mai Neng Moua's new memoir, The Bride Price, is a story centered in the Hmong community but I recently recommended it to a much broader audience as an excellent Mother's Day gift. That's because the book is both a fascinating look into Hmong culture AND the relationship between a mother and a daughter. Mai Neng's troubles started when she and her husband-to-be decided they'd prefer not to have their marriage include a bride price, traditionally money paid by the groom's family to the bride's family as compensation for the loss of the bride from the family that raised her. Mai Neng was familiar with her mother's stories of the sum paid at her marriage (a relatively high bride price which became a millstone around her mother's neck, with constant questions from the community as to whether or not she was "worth it"), and it was difficult for Mai Neng, a highly educated and accomplished writer, to rationalize such aspects of the bride price as its being lower for divorcees, for example, or women with chronic medical conditions (Mai Neng herself had kidney disease which necessitated a transplant). But if you're looking for an across-the-board refutation of this essential aspect of Hmong tradition, you're not going to find it in this book. Instead, you're going to find the story of a mother and a daughter: A widowed mother who carried her three young children across the Mekong River to safety, a mother who provided for her children from the moment they arrived in the U.S. in spite of her inability to speak or read English, a woman who cannot stop working her fields and Farmer's Markets for fear that she, alone, will fail to provide for her grown children, even today. And a daughter whose curiosity compels her to ask questions others simply brush off, who desperately loves her mother but wishes only for a more commonplace indication of that love returned. In the end, this book is a celebration of a culture and a simultaneous call for a dialog about some of that culture's traditions, but overall it is a story about the ferocity of a mother's love.

As a feminist writer who grew up in a strict Catholic and military family as the only girl (with four brothers), I was always fighting for my equality, my ideas and my right to be taken seriously. My heart broke several times for the author who had to face cultural and religious pressures as well as outdated gender norms. Her prose conveying the baffling frustration and indignation immediately wins readers over. What stays most with me is Moua's struggle to understand her mother's pain and then literally and arduously work her way back into her mother's heart. Her mother is a farmer and Moua showed eloquently how sharing the earth itself -- its demands and its bounty -- alongside her mother produced the best fruits of all: mutual respect and love. I am recommending it and sharing it with friends of all ages.

This is a fascinating look into Hmong culture and the stresses one woman finds in melding her Hmong heritage and the American world in which she is making her way. I was most drawn to the author's mother, a widow who had raised her three children on her own in a culture where being without a husband made her and her children of lesser value than others. She should be celebrated as a hero--saving her children during the war, working constantly to give them a home. I think the author comes to realize that and struggles through to a good relationship with her mother. I think the book is very worth reading.

Mai Neng's journey through Hmong traditions and life as a Hmong American provides a great perspective on how to navigate culture and values for the upcoming generation. We discover what it takes to bring about change against conventions that subjugate and alienate all those who have opposing beliefs. Her story will guide you on an emotional adventure and demonstrate what it takes to discover your own true self and the real relationships that matter. A phenomenal story!

I really enjoyed this autobiography. At the time i read this I was in a relationship and expecting it may advance further. The author was brave and independent and followed what she believed was right in the face of some very hard consequences. I don’t know if I could have made her decision.

This book helped me understand Hmong decision making processes in regards to marriage and family relationships. I highly recommend it to anyone who is interested in understanding other cultures.

Finally i finish this book. Through the whole book, I just saw a child crying and yelling for her own bomboms, and accuse family, uncles and extended families why not support me, this is my own wedding. After her decision, her family respected her decision and take the hmong way to handle it, which means, don't treat her as one of hmong members, which is fair because afterall she chose to give up the hmong way. So funny to see she complains her family didn't talk to her, all faults were their faults. Wake up, woman (28 years old, rational and educated) this is your choice, don't be too selfish, on the one hand, ask hmong members treat you like Americans to skip the hmong wedding, on the other hand, ask hmong members treat you like hmong, to stay with, help each other, take care of each other. There is no such good things!