The Smart Stepmom: Practical Steps to Help You Thrive

I've never believed in self-help books, but I found myself feeling alone in my position and was starting to get on my own nerves. I got frustrated with being frustrated, and found this book.I should have written a review for this book a long time ago. This book helped me with a lot of emotional turmoil and self-doubt, as well as humbled me. It helped me process the fact that I had entered an already once constructed family, which had fallen apart and was healing slowly in two separate broken pieces/homes. The kids are caught between these pieces and they spend every day juggling two different sets of rules and influences. I had entered the kids' house and had to find a way to parent them, while also respecting the life they already had and the life they lead separate from me. This book, and also observing my husband, helped me learn to put myself in the shoes of my kids, as well as the shoes of the ex/their mom. She is my ex wife and the mother of my kids also, even though I never chose her. She will probably always be a part of my life because she is important to the kids. This doesn't mean that we will be friends or that I will ever fully trust her, but I have attempted to create a relationship with her where we respect each other's time and space. And, yes, when it is necessary, we compare notes about the kids. The section about types of behavioral traits in moms helped me with forcing myself to see that she is a person, and that she was behaving in certain ways in an effort to control her own situation. This made me more willing to try to communicate with her constructively.This book has work book type sections, where you can think about situations. I took a lot of time, writing in the margins and highlighting sections that made me think about my behavior and my situation... and all of the moving parts, and their behavior and situation. This book didn't solve all of my problems- no book can. Healing and improving takes time, making mistakes, learning from your mistakes, a lot of love and work, and being willing to change your own perception of how you think things should be. This book helped me realize that I needed to change some of my perceptions. Being a parent is hard enough, but parenting kids that are influenced by two different households/worlds is a great challenge. It's constant compromise and finding balance. This book challenged and comforted me. I should probably read it again.

The major message in this book is that step-families are not to be expected to function as biological families and are rife with complications. However, keeping an eye out for and addressing the most common issues with humility and compassion will keep your family growing in a positive direction. Even if, at times, you may feel like you're moving backwards. Although many of the issues were discussed in Ron Deal's other books , the tone here is more emotional, less directed to problem solving and goal setting and more towards understanding and sharing of information to make the situation more comfortable and growth-filled for all involved. It was definitely written for a woman. Some of the practical issues are: children's attachments and loyalties, holidays and special occasions, parenting styles, seeing step-life through the children's eyes, and boundaries and relationships with ex spouses. This book reflects the confidence of the authors who have dealt with numerous step-families. Their advice is practical. Humility is stressed. Step-family dynamics are explained in terms that stretch across a wide variety of situations. There was one weakness that I noticed more than once in the text. Ms. Petherbridge expresses the belief that, until a wound or memory from the past is dealt with or healed, proper attitudes and behavior cannot be expected. In Christianity I believe that expecting people to do the right thing can bring about a change of feelings and so be a part of the healing. The Holy Spirit will work in the framework of that attitude.I have six biological children who are now in a step-family situation. So, many of the issues that were discussed were familiar to me. This book will be a fine resource for my counseling ministry and reinforced my understanding of how prevalent step-families are in our present society.

My situation is one that 'the x wife' wanted the divorce, yet she still insists on making my husband suffer. She sees the children as a possesion of hers and not THEIRS. I see the games she plays and try to tell my husband how to respond, but his emotional ties to the children keep him reacting to her just as she wants.This book helped me see that all I can do is be there for them, love them when they let me and allow them to feel negative when and if that time comes. There is nothing I can do to change her negative behaviors, she will be and do whatever it is she will be and do. I have to live in peace in our home and attempt to not allow her behaviors to affect us. This book also confirmed for me that children will grow up, they will see and learn for themselves, when they get to that age we will be who we(my husband and I) have been from the time they were 3. The mother in me hates to see their mother making such huge mistakes, but the book taught me--they are hers to make. The stories at the end of the book gave me the most hope...Fantastic book--anyone in a divorce with children should read before re-marriage....if your children mean anything to you at all, you will grow much wisdom for their sakes.

Not what I expected. Realised that I had broken every rule in this book by the first few chapters. Oh and I'm not sure what God has to do with being a step mum but I don't follow that path. Waste of money and time

The book is very helpful but I must say I'm disappointing. It sounds like people in those situations learned how to cope, marriages are alright ish, coping, not as painful. Is this really all it can be just because there is a step family involved? Isn't it that most of the issues stepmoms go through are due to their owns heartaches from the past? Isn't it that there insecurities are louder because various situations with stepchildren are hitting the core of their inner suffering soul? I'm thinking about committing to a man with kids, there isn't much hope given from the world apart from it can be manageable, it can work, you can cope. What about happiness, intimacy, bonding? what about being a family showing example to the kids whose parents went through a break up. Maybe the new relationship is a chance for them? A chance to be a part of the normal family. Or maybe God is healing us through a hard-work which is necessary to create a happy stepfamily. I wish there was more in the book about women who went through hell but they would do it again because how satisfied with their life they feel. Surely there are women like that?

A brilliant book which helped me and my husband understand our new set up and communicate certain messages to the children compassionately and securely.

A useful read. I am not alone in my struggles with being a stepmom. FullOf case studies and real family scenarios and not too long or heavy -highly recommended.

This book opened my eyes to many situations I’ve been going through as a stepmom. I bought this in order to have a voice of experience that not many people have in the subject. It has been such a blessing to feel understood and to be challenged to grow and be the best I can be. Love this book!