When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse

I'm 5 years out of my marriage but my husband finally succeeded in getting my grown children to treat me without respect when I worked out of the country for a year. Little by little he talked me down, made fun of me, got them to belittle me - until when I came home, and they did the same to my face, I had PTSD flashbacks of his abuse of me. I wound up on a crisis hotline and this book was recommended to me.My desperate cry was, When is it going to end? Will I die or get a terminal illness from stress before he leaves me alone? How do I get my babies back? And why aren't there laws against this and legal recourse for us moms?This book explained that he would never quit trying to redeem himself for his abusive actions (both physical and emotional) by casting blame and doubt on me. He would try to ruin my reputation, ruin my health - do ANYthing to ultimately "WIN".These guys don't care about "fair", they don't care about "truth", they don't care about anyone in the world but themselves, Bancroft makes us to understand. And, he informed me, they WILL try to turn your children - the ones YOU raised, loved and gave up your whole youth for - against you.But, he says, don't worry because they will see him for what he is in time.He spares no words describing these hard-core domestic criminals. He is appalled by their lack of morals and conscience and his heart is with the mother who must struggle against an appalling lack of laws to protect families from abusive men.This is a must-read for any woman with children still in or finally out of an abusive marriage. He covers the prejudice in the laws, the judges, the lawyers and how the whole male-worshipping world has made the life of female and child victims of abuse difficult. And then he gives you tips on how to conquer this situation.I hear Bancroft is now running from state to state to try to reform the laws. Everyone should read this book and follow his advice and lend their support.Our children aren't safe - and our women certainly are NOT liberated - as long as the laws remain as they are.We need:strict laws against ALL abuse with HEAVY penalties,laws providing recourse to SUE FOR EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL DAMAGES,laws that guarantee lifetime alimony to provide men with incentive to participate in the success of their marriages (something women's lib has been working to get rid of so that we must work even with children),child support laws that give children their mother, so a woman can leave an abusive marriage without destroying the children in the poverty that ensues today.Women's standard of living drops and men's goes up some 40% after divorce!Thanks, Lundy. I hope I get to meet you in the crusade!

This book nails family dynamics when a father is abusive, either physically or verbally/emotionally. Does "abusive" seem like too strong a word? Read the Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.I have been divorced from my children's father for 4 years. When we got divorced, I rationalized that he was still a good father and I had no right to keep the children from him. I thought that without me in the house, it would be a calmer, more peaceful environment. All the legal advice I got was that if he wanted 50% custody, I could not ask for more.Now he has a live-in girlfriend who he controls and disrespects in the same way he did to me. He subtly undermines my parenting and publicly tarnishes my reputation. He takes any opportunity he can to punish me for leaving him (still!), including keeping kids for extra days on trips, not honoring agreements, not sharing in expenses, not working so he doesn't have to pay more child support, not agreeing to activities for the kids, and not permitting the kids to see a therapist.The kids have been suffering for a long time and again I rationalized that they were just getting used to the divorce, that all kids have struggles, that blood sugar played a big role, and that I was simply an incompetent mother (as their father would have me believe).This book is giving me so much strength and support. I read it before bed and while it's not easy to face certain memories or realities, each chapter is like a therapy session. It is putting responsibility for abuse squarely where it belongs- with the abusive man. The big eye-opener for me is that if your man is abusing you, BY DEFINITION he is not a good father. A good father sets a good example.I am now educating myself on my options to protect my children better from his abuse. It's not an easy road, but I am gaining confidence that I'm doing the right thing. I am very grateful for this book.

This is one of my first Lundy Bancroft books and I found it to be so helpful. I have a young child with an abusive partner and was looking for some guidance in how to raise him and help him get past the trauma of living with an abuser. This book put some of his behaviors in perspective, and is also reassuring and caring of what mothers are going through in this situation (rather than re-victimizing the abuse survivor as tends to happen over in over in court proceedings). It focuses as much if not more on verbal, emotional abuse as it does physical, which is helpful when so many people don't seem to get that just because someone doesn't beat you or your children doesn't mean they aren't doing immeasurable harm. The only negative I would say is I was looking for more information/guidance on what to do when the abuser is also abusing the children, or has abused the children, and they are still forced to spend time with the abusive parent. But this book focuses on the children "witnessing" abuse, not being abused themselves. I didn't take off any stars for that because the title is very clear that this book is about the abuse of the mother, and he does say that abusers who abuse their spouse typically do abuse the children too. I just wish he would have gone more into that aspect. Maybe that's in another of his books, I will certainly be reading more of them. This was a great first step for me, I'm so thankful to have found this book. Gave great advice on how to discuss the abuser and abuse with your children, without badmouthing the other parent or even directly discussing him (and therefore risking being accused of parental alienation). If you are a parent who lives with or has left an abusive partner, you need to read this book. If you are a mental health care practitioner, a divorce lawyer, a guardian ad litem, a family court judge - you need to read this book.

An excellent and insightful book on the subject. Well worth reading.After reading 'The Verbally Abusive Relationship' I realised I needed to know more about how the abuse had affected my kids, who are both grown-up now with kids of their own. My daughter has often been difficult and seems to blame me for something I am unaware of. So when I saw this book I bought this too, hoping it might give me some answers and insight into what their lives were really like living with all that abuse flying round throughout their childhood.What an eye-opener! I had tried to prevent my kids hearing what went on, but this book helped me realise that they would have been the innocent by-standers and equally as traumatised as I was, though the abuse was rarely directed at them. I'm sure they were fearful - my son often went into his elder sister's bedroom to be with her when things erupted, for comfort/security. Life was pretty awful for me, so it was certainly no better for them. Like me, they too probably experienced anxiety and dread as the time grew near when their father was due home from work.It was hard to read this book, and I was very emotional at times, but it has enabled me to see a way forward in order to talk to my daughter about what was going on during her childhood. This book confirms that it is frequently impossible to be a good mum whilst taking lots of abuse, as your instinct is to just try and simply survive. The truth is that you do your best in very difficult circumstances, but through no fault of your own, it often falls short of what is really needed.The writer confirms that a man who cares for his family and children, doesn't abuse their mother as it prevents her taking proper care of the children. It is important to know that if, like me, you have frequently felt to have fallen short in the "Super Mum" stakes.

This was recommended to me by a lady on a Kids Turn course run by my local Relate, She had been in a similar situation to me having escaped from a control freak, divorced him but he was still trying to control her life as they had a pre-teen daughter. I'm still sharing a house with mine, in the process of divorcing him but he is reluctant to move out. This book really opened my eyes to a lot of things, my abuse was all verbal, but abuse is abuse whatever form it takes. I didn't realise until 3 years ago that I was in an abusive relationship!! I have purchased and read other books which I have found illuminating. This is a must for anyone who even suspects their relationship may be abusive, I found myself among the pages and it was scary to realise this was my life. It gave me strength and put me on the road to seeing things much clearer than I had been viewing them. My daughter has been affected by verbal abuse also, her father is unable to see the devastation he has caused.

Our dsughter is going through Coercive Conntrol separstion, this really helped us to understand her situation.

Well written easy to read and understand. Also easy to imagine yourself in some of the situations described. Hard to decide what to in real life situations. Books make it seem easy

Great book ! Clear and invaluable infoEverything the book predicted would happen, reactions, everything - did happen