The Passion Trap: How to Right an Unbalanced Relationship Paperback – February 7, 2013

One of the most helpful relationship books I have ever read. Dr Dellis lays it out straight and gives couples some very useful tools to correct their imbalances.

I first read this book when it was titled The Passion Paradox: Patterns of Love and Power in Intimate Relationships and it was a revelation to me. What is so brilliant about this book is that instead of pathologizing the feelings of those who are 'one-down'/insecure/needy in their relationship, like many books do, it simply and clearly explains how easy it is for these kinds of feelings to happen given the logic of the situation. This is not about fault-finding or blaming anyone, it is about explaining how a normal person can become insecure and desperate in one relationship while being super confident and independent in another - and how this can switch round when there is a change. For example, if you are a high-flying high-paid lawyer and your man is insecure and clingy with you, the shoe could be on the other foot in a few years time when you leave your job and have kids and no job and meanwhile your man has got promotion and has become much more confident. The author gives a superb example of how a person who is having an affair can feel one-up (confident and secure and often slightly annoyed and irritated by the partner's insecurity and neediness) in his or her marriage... and one-down (the insecure, needy, cling stuff) with a person with whom he or she is having an affair -- simultaneously one-up and one-down. This highlights the fact that it is often the logic of the situation that gives rise to these feelings of insecurity -- it isn't necessarily that the insecure needy person is somehow inherently needy and insecure.Having explained this phenomenon very clearly, the meat of the book is about what you can do to correct these kinds of imbalances in your relationships. An absolutely brilliant book. I can't understand why anyone would give it a poor review or rating. It has helped me so much. I recommend it to everyone who has ever felt either insecure in a relationship OR repulsed, irritated, annoyed, impatient with a loved one's insecurity or neediness.

I found value in reading this book. I found the professional, objective presentation supported my deeper understanding of a new relationship I found several years ago. I had moments when I would have liked a greater emphasis on solutions to the challenges the couples described in book had.

When it comes to relationship imbalance, you see Adult Attachment Theory everywhere so I thought Passion Trap would be some outdated model superceded by Attachment Theory. In reality it's a competing model that makes up for some of Attachment Theory's shortcomings. Both have a similar foundation - Avoidant vs Anxious in Attachment Theory is called One-up vs One-down in Passion Trap, Protest Behaviors in Attachment Theory are called Solutions in Passion Trap. But the biggest benefit the Passion Trap model has over Attachment Theory is the understanding that roles are dynamic. Attachment Theory tends to stick people in boxes and keep them there - IE if you're an Avoidant, you're supposed to be like that in every relationship. But with Passion Trap, someone can be a one-up with his spouse, and then be a one-down chasing an affair. In my opinion this is more how relationships actually work.In a practical sense, the book also works as a relationship assessment and troubleshooting guide and is more accessible than any Attachment Theory book I've read so far. It should be really easy to relate to either the one-up or one-down role based on past experiences, and Delis goes into a ton of detail on how either role copes/thinks and the possible results of protest behaviors. The book should resonate with you. And if you're in the one-up or one-down role, the books gives you steps on how to regain your strength while acknowledging not all imbalanced relationships are salvageable.

Only book of it's kind. I always hated how when you are trying to decide if leaving or staying in a relationship is the right thing to do you never know if you are making the biggest mistake of your life or if you are doing the right thing. There seems to be no handbook to navigate through the matters of romance and love. I was amazed by the logic behind romantic emotions. If you are trying to decide whether to stay or leave in your relationship, READ THIS BOOK FIRST! It will help you to at least understand the relationship better and help you to know what to do to see if there is a chance if it can survive. The best part is that once you have gone through all the techniques and strategies you will know with surety if staying or walking away is the right decision.

This is a fascinating book which explores how to recognize an unbalanced relationship and your role in that relationship as well as work to right the relationship. As I read this book I found myself thinking about all my relationships and recognizing when I had been the one down or one up in the relationship. I’ve also begun applying what I’m reading to my current relationship to help me find a better balance in the relationship.