The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity Paperback – 9 Oct. 2018

What can I say: Read it :) I love Esther Perel's approach, sharing years of experience and learning with us, about the complexities of love life. Every now and then I return to this book for a bit of inspiration.

This book written by a psychotherapist and counsellor who has worked with couples will be of interest to anyone interested in relationships. It is also well written with an good narrative flow.At the beginning of the book Esther Peel looks at the conventional wisdom on partnerships and marriages and fidelity in them. She points out that in Western society there are strong views that partners in these are expected to stay loyal to each other, with out straying elsewhere for intimacy and sex. She does not appear to have problems with this per se, but points out there are many divergences form this path. It is human nature to transgress boundaries, even if this is painful.What follows are a large number of accounts of cases she has encountered. This includes infidelity in conventional marriages, both homo- and hetro- sexual partnerships, open relationships (where issues of infidelity can crop up despite there being a permission to find additional partnerships) as well as ones that insist on monogamy. She looks also at issues of betrayal, the pain of discovery of an affair, how some affairs may save people from bad partnerships and also how that affairs may sometimes (paradoxically?) even save and strengthen relationships. Perel also looks at the various kind of people involved, apparently settled people, those who prefer to have affairs rather than stay in a single one.All in all the range of people discussed here is wide. Perel's aim is not to discredit monogamy, but to suggest what is needed is a little more space for people in their situations to work through. At one point in the narrative she ponders on the general state of knowledge around human sexuality. As she states it is limited. This book contributes to expanding that space a little more. An enlightening read.

Item received promptly and in good condition . In the process of reading the item.

The State of Affairs is a profoundly intelligent and eloquent book. Esther Perel analyses the complex issues of monogamous marriage and the heartbreak of widespread infidelity. She lays bare the raw agony of couples’ sexual and emotional betrayal with tender empathy and compassion.Perel is not moralistic or prescriptive. She is a curious explorer in the tangled mess of human relationships and gives us a refreshingly original voice in the cluttered field of marriage experts. She invites the reader into a mature, adult dialogue about all points of the love triangle rather than dictating parental rules for “affair-proofing” marriage and repairing damage when protective measures fail and partners stray into explosive minefields.Perel’s writing is spiced with rich and colourful turns of phrase and metaphors. She is a talented writer, incisive thinker and skilful psychotherapist, gifting the reader with a culmination of her decades of courageous experience in the trenches, supported the casualties of marital treachery, gently and creatively guiding them through shock and crisis to soul-searching and meaning-making and ultimately repair and renewal.This is a powerful and provocative book that challenges and expands society’s thinking about poignant matters of the heart.

I’ve been reading one book after another since I was old enough to read.. I’m now 52.This was in the top 5 best books I have ever read.It made the hideous pain and humiliation of being betrayed less about my shortcomings and places the responsibility of the event where it needs to go.So informative, beautifully written.. and read by Ester as I had it in Audiobook form.I finished it and returned straight back to the beginning.. I will read it again

This book is excellent, looking at a widespread phenomenon openly and fairly, accepting that many people involved in affairs have their own opinions, reasons and motivations. She doesn't underplay the heartache or risks, but looks honestly at how these situations occur - the overt and unconscious motivations, and the different reactions and possibilities once the affair has been discovered. She looks at the current American habit of turning to divorce far more readily than happened in the past or happens in certain other cultural situations, tries to offer a range of options, and recognises that the individual people involved make each situation unique, although certain patterns recur. She recognises the input of religion, family, nation and personal moral judgments.

I bought this book to gain more insight into many aspects ..jealousy, desire, relationship dynamics.. not just issues of infidelity, and not specifically because I had experienced it - but just out of curiosity. I've looked for many alternatives to unanswered questions, and Esther did not disappoint in providing this insight. Thank you Esther.. Really spot on. I'm 28 years old and have recommended this to all my girlfriends as a general advice book, in seeing things from a different perspective + it helps us discuss things in our group that we've seen in our general realm. Prompt delivery service too!

I spent 30 years as a GP listening to really nice people who had got themselves into a muddle. With a personal list I had the privilege of knowing both sides of the equation - sometimes over 3 or 4 generation's of the same families. The title 'Rethinking Infidelity' is very apt.I wonder how many couples would have stayed together had they understood what motivates an affair - not least a million years of evolution!My betting is that the current generation will be much less likely to run into trouble as there is so much less shame, religion and humiliation around. They do talk to each other as well...! That's the formula!